there is something wonderfully shiny about a new year. it's a time when you can throw off the past and become shiny yourself. except it doesn't really work out that way a lot. i'm still the same person i was at the end of last year, and the initial shininess is wearing off.

i'm still not fiercely independent. i'm not organized or a good writer (i was reading some of my older stuff and it made me blush). i'm not collected and cool.

my old friends are not magically welcoming me back. and i don't have blindingly wonderful new opportunities.

and it's not like the new year is the only time you can change. you can change anytime you want.

and i guess i want to change.

( wanted to see if i could do this )

::it's almost as if i'm not allowed to worry about my grades. yeah, people get 30s on tests, and i get 70s. and maybe i really should just be happy with what i get. but i'm not them. i have my own standards, and i don't see why i can't be unhappy with my grade. i know it's completely infuriating, because i've been on both sides of this situation... so i have no idea what i'm arguing about anymore. damn.
::i also can't be stressed... because if i'm stressed, i get irritable and then people wonder if i'm PMSing. oh, so when lexi breaks down crying during lunch almost routinely, that's considered normal and i'm the one rubbing her back, trying to soothe her. and when annie cracks because she's getting bad grades in chem, i'm also the one rubbing her back... well, that's not fair. it's the three of us. annie and i help with lexi and lexi and i help with annie and they both wipe my tears while i'm puking into a restaurant toilet... but still. i wish i was allowed to be more stressed instead of cool and collected so everyone else can break down...
::emma and annie and lexi... they have this friendship that i'll never be able to touch. emma and annie have known each other since preschool. and emma and lexi have known each other since 2nd or 3rd grade. and annie and lexi have only known each other since 8th grade, which is when i met them all. and i'll never be able to be as good friends with any of them as they are with each other. i'm jealous, i guess. but i have heather. oh, heather... and lexi still considers dylan to be her best friend. even though heather and dylan seem to be closer. lexi... i dunno. i guess she's just trying to keep dylan her friend, when they're growing apart. she always says she and dylan have been best friends since kindergarten... dylan gave me some oreos sometime, and lexi asked where i got them and i told her, she was like 'my best friend!'. and lexi was sitting next to her then lexi stood up and i sat next to dylan... and then she dragged me on the floor away by the feet (school hallway floors are filthy) so she could sit next to 'her best friend'... that's just insecurity. you'd still be her best friend the seat over. we were talking about it a little later and i said that (minus the insecurity part) and she said she was just kidding.
::people get so happy when they get a higher grade than me on a test... it's not that big of a deal, my god. and especially when people who regularly get better grades than me on tests get happy when they beat me... eurgh.

wow, the subject sounds so profound...
but i think we were taking a trip to san francisco and mr. white was the chaperone...
nice dream.
then i woke up.

bah.

I slash shamelessly.
Perhaps it's that there aren't many female characters I like.
Like, my new obsession, House M.D., I watch it and I see House and Chase.
Cameron just irritates me.
Almost everything I read or watch, I slash. Harry Potter, Naruto, Death Note...
There are more, I swear. I just can't think of them. At the moment.
I haven't slashed Grey's Anatomy... or The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets... or Artemis Fowl.

Tonight, my parents and little brother are in Nashville because my mom has a talk tomorrow morning... So their room is empty and unused.
So I took it over.
For the night.
We both have the TempurPedic mattresses, which are pretty awesome. But my bed is a queen and mostly covered with CDs, books, and papers. Whereas my parents' bed is a king and clean. And there's a TV in their room. And they have one of the coolest showers ever. So tonight will be good.
And then I go back to my room.

1st-seminar
2nd- introductory paragraph due friday
3rd- ha... just do it before the test
4th- quiz tomorrow, study spanish quizzes by friday
5th- face it, the test will kill you, notecards due friday
6th- (look at 3rd)

Writing... I'm doing NaNoWriMo... that might be slightly cool. And I have so many stories started, original and fanfiction. I just need to finish them, y'know. Ha, I'm typing this and I can't see the keyboard and I only suck slightly. Yay. I'm ridiculously slow at typing, it's not even funny.

I should post stuff here... Hmmm... Perhaps.

ZOMG, I think I'll go to sleep before 1 tonight... Pretty sweet.

My grandfather is a very intelligent man. Very methodical and meticulous...
And he seems to prefer my little brother, his only grandson. Many people prefer my little brother. Some of my friends prefer my little brother. I prefer my little brother.
We were at the Hoover Dam this summer, and I was turning the handle to light the bulb in some exhibit and my grandfather was walking around recording the exhibit and my brother. And he told me to move so my brother could turn the handle so he could record it on his camera...
That hurt an irrational amount.
I've never seen the Titanic... I saw the beginning with my friends. And I was watching the ending with my grandfather and little brother. My grandfather... He tells my brother he should stop talking and watch the movie and many of his questions would be answered. I wholeheartedly agree. Shut your mouth and watch the damn movie.
Yet my grandfather still feels the urge to explain everything. Oh, look, the ship is sinking. Did you see the ship sinking?
Okay, so it's not as mundane as that. But, please, be quiet. Let's watch the movie and you can explain exactly why the ship sunk... y'know, later, perhaps...
I asked my brother if he really wanted to see it. I was being the concerned older sister... More I don't want to wake up with him crying because he had a bad dream. And my grandfather said if he was scared or crying, he shouldn't watch it... And the last bit came... And it's sad... And I cry easily...
So here I am, posting on LJ, instead of downstairs in the living room, watching the ending of the Titanic, because I didn't think my grandfather would be very happy with a weepy granddaughter.
Ah well.

Avoidance is a lovely tactic. Someone texts you or messages you or whatever, and you don't feel like replying... just act like you never got the message. It's horribly rude, but tell me you haven't done it.

I was all ready to set up a new LJ on my birthday and post my first entry and it would be the start of a beautiful relationship that would withstand my lack of initiative.

When I looked the the time on my laptop, it was 11:58 PM. So, it's like... shit.

I am not to be daunted! I will pretend to myself that I had always intended to post the first entry the day after my birthday.

And as to whether this will actually last... I guess we'll find out.